The Mispronouncer: Let’s play 20 questions.
Baby: OK
The Mispronouncer: Quick recap of the rules: You pick a thing and don’t tell me what it is. I ask you 20 yes-or-no questions to try to narrow down what the thing could be. After I ask the 20 questions, I have to guess. If I’m right, I win. If I’m wrong, you win. Ready?
Baby: Ready. Let’s go.

1. Is it bigger than a miniature bread box? (Yes)
Would it look grotesque with dreadlocks? (Yes)
Is it kind of “blah,” lacking a better word? (Uh…)
Is it a thing of which I’ve never heard? (No)
Is it willing to accept half the blame? (No)
Is it a concept too abstract to name? (No)
Does somebody somewhere agree it’s useful? (Yes)
Does it bear any visible seals of approval? (Uh, no)
Do you like this thing? (Sure) Do you love this thing? (Not really)
Wouldst thou marry it with this ring? (No)
Assuming that it can’t read minds, does it want to? (No)
Does it do anything as well as some do? (Yes?)
Does it taste like olives? (No) Taste like pumpkin? (No)
Taste like dog? (No) Does it taste like something? (Yes)
Does it have twenty-five bucks I can borrow? (No)
What about ten? (No) What about tomorrow? (No)

Chorus: Baby: That was 20 questions, now you gotta guess it.
The Mispronouncer: This one’s easy, the answer is “me.”
Baby: No, the answer’s “fence post.” I guess I win.
The Mispronouncer: “Fence post?” That’s ridiculous. Let’s try again.

Baby: “Fence post” isn’t ridiculous. A fence post is a thing.
The Mispronouncer: Yeah, OK, technically you’re right, but it’s not the kind of thing you should be picking for this game.
Baby: You said it could be anything!
The Mispronouncer: Round two. Ready?
Baby: Sure.

2. Is it something I am sure to guess right? (No)
Does it look a little better in a little less light? (Not really)
Is it hard to explain to infant child? (No?)
Must it be burned if it’s been defiled? (No)
Is it sort of boring but sort of not? (I guess)
Is it past attractive but short of hot? (No)
Does it show up right when it’s least convenient? (No)
Do you have to see it to believe it? (No)
Is it all right? (Yes) Is it OK? (Yes) Is it fine? (Yes)
Does it take up space? (Yes) Does it move through time? (Yes)
Based on this face that I’m making right here,
Am I thinking of it now? (I don’t know!) Am I anywhere near? (I don’t know!)
Do you know how to spell it? (Yes) Know how to say it? (Yes)
Know how to do all that without spraying it? (Yes!)
Am I on the verge of the correct guess? (No)
Do I have any questions left? (Not now)

Chorus: Baby: That was 20 questions, now you gotta guess it.
The Mispronouncer: It’s easy, this time the answer really is “me.”
Baby: No, the answer’s “cashew.” I win again.
The Mispronouncer: “Cashew”? Are you an idiot or just a bad friend?

Baby: I’m an idiot? You’re the one who guessed yourself as the answer two rounds in a row. And that’s not even mentioning the quality of questions you’re asking.
The Mispronouncer: Round 3! Speed round!
Baby: All right, then.

3. Was it first discovered in 1980? (No)
94? (No) 06? (No) Or more lately? (No)
Can it be held? (Yes) Felt? (Yes) Weighed? (Yes) Measured? (Yes)
Is it one man’s trash? (Yes) Another man’s treasure? (Yes)
All good? (No) All bad? (No) Both? (No) Neither? (Yes)
Was it born of dust? (No) Was it born of ether? (No)
Is it too common? (No) Is it too exotic? (No)
Is it a part of a whole? (Yes) Ha! I got it!

Chorus: Baby: You’ve got another question, are you sure want to guess it?
The Mispronouncer: This time I’m sure, there’s only one possible word.
Baby: You were confident before and both times you were wrong.
The Mispronouncer: But this time I know the answer’s “me.” End of song!

Baby: No! The answer is “feather!” The answer is not, never has been, and never will be “you!” Why would you guess yourself every time?
The Mispronouncer: This is a song appearing on a double album that’s basically all me, me, me from beginning to end! Why wouldn’t the answer be “me?” It should always be “me.”
Baby: Then why didn’t you tell me that? Why do you ask me to guest on these things and not tell me what you want me to do?
The Mispronouncer: Because I wanted it to sound authentic, OK?
Baby: No one’s going to believe it’s authentic.
The Mispronouncer: Well, not with you trotting out your cashews and your feathers, they’re not!