1. Outside of Buckskin Gulch, 2009.
Giant-sized tent, all six of us fit fine.
Just past sundown, getting up early.
Gotta sleep eventually but none of us are in a hurry.
So the stories start up, taking turns entertaining.
If it’s worth telling, it’s worth exaggerating.
All the old classics told in full detail.
Rapt, we laugh our satisfaction with each tale.
Then I say to the Saint, “I’ve got a request.
If we’re gonna tell stories, then we gotta hear the best.”
“Which one do you mean?” he asks, and I grin.
“I’ve gotta hear Calvin the Calf again.”
A pregnant pause while the Saint gets a feel
For his audience’s energy, mustering the necessary zeal.
He begins, none of us realize,
That what’s about to happen’s gonna change our lives.

Chorus: Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’ve never laughed before.
Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’re never gonna laugh again.

2. Within mere seconds, the Saint finds his stride.
In peak form, we are just along for the ride.
His personal slang, his primal style.
The tale is amazing, but the telling is vital.
Speaking in his cultivated trademark slur.
A blur of words obscure and absurd,
Barked and garbled. Debilitating laughter
That builds and builds and builds chapter by chapter.
Now we’re all losing it, shrieking, howling.
At the mercy of a long-dead calf named Calvin.
We’re laughing so hard we might puke or black out,
Gasping for air and thrashing about.
The laughter feeds on itself and becomes a mutant,
Not resembling anything human.
The Saint croaks two words, pandemonium reigns.
All is delirium, all is sweet pain.

Chorus: Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’ve never laughed before.
Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’re never gonna laugh again.

Bridge: When you already know that you’ve laughed
The hardest that you’re ever gonna laugh in your whole life,
How do you respond? How do you move on?
How do you respond? How do you move on?
When you know no other story will ever come close
‘cause you will never match the combination of conditions,
What do you do next? After all, what’s left?
What do you do next? After all, what’s left?

Chorus: Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’ve never laughed before.
Calvin the Calf, Calvin the Calf.
Tell us the tale of Calvin the Calf.
Let’s shatter the calm of this cool desert night
And laugh like we’re never gonna laugh again.