1. Straw men on the march, but they can hardly stand.
I’ve already got the victory party planned.
I use my delusion: Righteous, defiant.
I roll up my sleeves and the straw starts flying.
Imaginary critics spitting dissension.
Just look how much they resent my ascension.
Overcoming enemies of my own invention:
The latest symptom of my growing pretension.
Haters gonna hate, but they don’t know I exist.
I pretend they do so my songs can persist.
Without opposition I’d have nothing to say.
My self-image is dependent on what’s in my way.
I get a couple hay bales, gather up spare clothes,
And I build myself a crowd of doubting scarecrows.
They jeer me and tell me I’ll never be a star,
And then I tear ‘em all apart like the cowards they are.

Chorus: When you’re easily knocked out, you’ve got a glass jaw,
But it’s simpler still when the jaw’s made of straw.
I’m the undefeated champion, my technique is dominant.
You’ve heard of haymakers? Well, I hit ‘em with the opposite.
Illustrated eyes don’t blink. Pucker up.
One, two, left, right, hook, jab, uppercut.
Never break a sweat, untouched, no mercy.
If they can’t fight back, they cannot hurt me.

2nd Chorus: Hey there, naysayer, sometimes it seems
That you only come around to denounce my dreams
When there’s no one else present to see me defy you
Or to see that there’s naught but straw inside you. (x2)

2. And I’ve never met a straw man I couldn’t lick.
My story’s no good without a good conflict.
And since there’s none, I had to fabricate one.
Fake hostility, real affirmation.
You gotta give your listeners something to relate to.
A sense that you wage the same war that they do:
Against a great host of perceived slights.
I climbed a pile of straw bodies to achieve these heights.
Bane of the Straw Man, Straw Man Nemesis.
Don’t really care if they’re fair representatives
Of real points of view that my foes might express
If I had a real foe or two. I digress.
My actual problems are trivial or self-inflicted.
Everyone I know’s either supportive or uninterested.
But I yearn for credibility, I really want respect.
Straw Man Massacre. Not one left.

Chorus: When you’re easily knocked out, you’ve got a glass jaw.
But it’s simpler still when the jaw’s made of straw.
I’m the undefeated champion, my technique is dominant.
You’ve heard of haymakers? Well, I hit ‘em with the opposite.
Illustrated eyes don’t blink. Pucker up.
One, two, left, right, hook, jab, uppercut.
Never break a sweat, untouched, no mercy.
If they can’t fight back, they cannot hurt me.

2nd Chorus: Hey there, naysayer, sometimes it seems
That you only come around to denounce my dreams
When there’s no one else present to see me defy you
Or to see that there’s naught but straw inside you. (x2)

Outro: Straw on the floor? (Check!)
Straw on the walls? (Check!)
Straw on my hands? (Check!)
Straw Man Massacre? Burn the remains? (Check! Check!) (x2)