1. I wanna have my cake and eat it too
And have your cake and eat it too.
Far be it from me to say what you need to do
But maybe we should call this a peer review.
It isn’t that you couldn’t say this but you didn’t.
But if we’ve ever met there’s probably some of you in it.
And I don’t really believe in using throwaway lines
But I’m willing to make an exception this time.
Already over the cliff when you throw it in reverse.
You reap what you sow unless the locusts get it first.
I can heel like a dog hard-trained on a choke chain.
I don’t strain so as not to evoke pain.
Nobody plays fair so you hit the alarm.
If you really wanna play fair, you can be the pig barn.
Thanks to my grandpa Drent for that line.
First it was his, then my dad’s, now it’s mine.
I can judge a book by the font on the cover
But I can barely tell one blonde from another.
Whether falcon, ostrich, starling or partridge
Birds of a feather flock to the same garbage.
And yes, everybody’s got a hungry heart.
One little crush and the gluttony starts.
When the blood’s spilt don’t get caught admitting guilt.
Learn to fiddle now while Rome’s still getting built.
This is what it sounds like when doves laugh.
I’ll be gone in revision, I live in the rough draft.
If you find the thing you love to do and get paid to do it
Then the thing you love just became your job and you ruined it.
Conceived in ecstasy, born after it finishes.
Wander through the backgrounds of pornographic images.
Illiterates are living by the letter of the law
And the fox guarding the hens has a feather in his jaw.
I crush Competition like participation ribbons.
I never count my chickens till they’re headless in my kitchen.
Give me a pen, I’ll sign your cast with a pseudonym.
The dumb mutt became a sly dog when we neutered him.
I hope you don’t think that I am condemning it
But a rose by any other name is still effeminate.
I am needy and until I have another means
I might try raging on behalf of the machine.
Get off your high horse and fall to your doom.
I don’t wanna know what you call your costume.
’Cause it doesn’t matter how many times we go through this.
In the end, you are just another clothed nudist.
Which came first: the chicken heart or the egg on the face?
I’m just a peg begging for a healthy leg to replace.
I’m a square peg dreaming about a round hole.
When they made me they disavowed the mold.
We’ve got names for the planets, they’ve got none for us.
And they’d never hesitate to throw us under the bus.
Deformed in ways we don’t dare expose.
Somebody tell the wolf sheep don’t wear clothes.
Never a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Too pompous to flaunt, too clever to hide.
Corrupt enough to leave a whistle-blower breathless.
Turn over a new leaf and watch it wither over breakfast.
The world is my ashtray, but I don’t smoke.
So it can hold my toll change till I’m totally broke.
You undercut my motivation and ask me to act.
The world is my oyster, that’s a giant aphrodisiac.
And this is what happens when you try to appeal
To the people less amused by the show than the blooper reel.
Not everything is gonna be all right.
But I think there’s a good chance some things might.
Give a man a fish, you improve his condition.
Teach a man to fish, now you’ve got competition.
All we really care about is scratchin’ where we’re itchin’.
Fall back on talent if your passion is deficient.
Now, I’m guessing I could be content on Cloud Eight
If the upstairs neighbors don’t get loud late.
My honor student beat your dropout senseless.
Stupidity is not one of the better defenses.
I’m spread thin, but I could spread thinner.
Old by lunchtime, dead by dinner.
Wear that badge like a scar of honor.
My indifference charms your daughter.
The forbidden apple never falls far from the tree.
Only say what I mean while I talk in my sleep.
Shot through the heart, got nobody to blame.
I guess I give victimhood a bad name.
A rubber neck, a sweet tooth, lead feet.
You call shotgun, I call ejection seat.
Blood is thicker than water and pop is thicker than both of ’em.
I respond to the heckles like, “Thank you for noticing.”
One sour note and the doubts appear.
Like, c’mon guys, are we men or Mouseketeers?
Do you wanna talk motor, wingspan, upside?
Do you wanna conquer or subdivide?
Spitting out my words whenever they lose flavor.
I know why the caged bird needs the newspaper.
I’m crying over milk spilled all over my masterpiece.
Somehow surprised every time the past repeats.
I drift past like a blank, unbound page.
You and me are gonna go and paint the town beige.
The only rap song with the guts to mention
That sometimes snitching is the braver decision.
Adversity strikes and I grin and bury it.
Entrench on the fringe like a true contrarian.
The man at the urinal next to mine’s crying
But he’s out of his mind if he thinks I’ll be inquiring.
After the boys of summer are gone
The boys of autumn come out of hiding and fall on your lawn.
You’re poking a dead carcass with a stick.
If it moves, you’re afraid, if it doesn’t, you get sick.
The only thing worse than your bark is your bite.
First sign of a fight, you bleach your flags white.
Whole patterns come apart with one pull of the thread.
I need trepanation like a hole in the head.
Better safe than sorry, better sorry than remorseless.
I’m forcing drinking water down the throats of horses.
The answer you need is always your last guess.
You won’t call me a dummy when I ace the crash test.
I will bore a hole through my cheek with my tongue.
You can watch me grind my teeth when I’m done.
I’ll gouge out my eyes when I’ve finally seen enough.
Even creampuffs seem tough while they demean stuff.
I know my limits like the back of my hand.
I know my limits on a first-name basis.
I signal for help with a flash in the pan.
The best get to rest while the worst stay famous.
Aim Less, shoot from the hip, go with your gut feeling
Unless it’s intestinal bleeding.
You might find you prefer not being believed in
To trying to fulfill a destiny beyond reason.
No place like home but I’m spinning my wheels.
I’d rather burn out than be seen clicking my heels.
Arm to the leg, leg, arm to the head.
In general, all’s well that ends well said.